A drunken snail. That's what my life is. Already so slow, and to add to it, meandering randomly in every possible tangent. Then, it tries to get back on track; the destination seems to take forever to reach!
I feel like I'm in some snail race, I'm just a competitor, with my Life Snail on the track, and I can just watch and hope it goes on the road, fast. I didn't make the track, I didn't set the finish nor did I choose to start. Where am I? Hundreds of miles away, probably doing something else; probably grappling with my morbid thoughts that try ever hard to claw at my sub-conscious mind and the waking thoughts that fill the vast emptiness of my mind, in the cave left by the abandonment ( an deceit) of happiness.
Every day I get up lazily, because I know the day will just be boring, and the same thoughts and worries will make their way in again. Wait. They never leave me. They have nowhere else to go. When I'm awake I don't want to sleep, so that I don't miss a thing, and when I'm asleep, I never want to wake up, dreams are so much more involving, at least I can change them a bit. My sleep pattern is screwed, I'm an eternal insomniac, too excited about God know what(?) to sleep. The moment my eyes close, they flutter open. I try in vain to rest, and no matter how tired I am, my head can't stop thinking!! I wish there was silence from the noise in my head. It's like a constant cacophony, also, to complicate stuff, I can't follow their tune.
When I was in college, my only goal was to finish the degree. Now I've done that, and during the time of college I realized nothing was ever going to be enough for me. I'm so confused about my career, what the hell to do?? I don't have ANY goals now! What do I focus on?? There seems a hundred paths, each one can be promising, but all you need is that one ingredient that decides every success and every failure - chance. Which I never really had in my favour. I always seem to work thrice as hard as others to get the same things. But nobody sees that, they just think I'm a pushy snob. I can't help but be that way - or pretend to be. It keeps me going to finish stuff and achieve things without crumbling halfway. It's such a struggle to deal with perfectionism all the time. Perfectionism and depression.
I have a clear idea of what I want now, but it's the starting push that's so difficult. There's just one door that leads to this path I've chosen, and I haven't made a key. I've done my Bachelors in Genetics, Microbiology and Chemistry. They're interesting paths, definitely something I'd like to work in, in the future. Most of the jobs in these fields are in research. Not my work preference. I can't o long tedious experiments that take years and years of hard work to bear fruit. Also if you're expecting something as rich as a mango, don't be fooled, only the destined ones get them, the rest have to do with peanuts. There isn't really much growth potential unless you're looking at academic/scientific gains here.
But heck, I'm not like that. I can't live an ordinary life. My dreams have grown way beyond me. I am never content, I never was, nor am, and never will be. I have to admit, I'm very materialistic. Well, why not? It's these very materialistic things we can touch, and that makes it real. Everything else is just a lie. If Nature or God wasn't materialistic, we'd just be a bunch of thoughts running around, without form or shape, we wouldn't need this physical manifestation that makes us tangible. If we just had to live as souls, couldn't we just do that?? Why come here?? Like this?? For who? Or what?!
So I am utterly convinced that Money DEFINITELY CAN buy a lot of happiness. It makes you feel safe, especially for people like me who have no one's affections to bank on. And even if I do, my honour and dignity won't allow it. It's pathetic to take help. It means you aren't capable of doing it. And if you can't, you sure as hell can't survive the rat race. Maybe you should be trodden, but humanists are keeping you alive as they've made it illegal to die. Since when was my life in other people's hands? They won't allow you to die, because they'll give you a worse than death life here, so that you can become a statistic.
Money is security. Money never leaves you if you care for it enough, unlike most other 'posessions' I know.
So I want to make a switch to the Finance sector jobs, but thanks to this freaking rigid Indian education and employment system, I can't make a career switch so different. Switching jobs is so hard here, because I've seen first hand what kind of duds they think you are if you try to do another job than what you studied in. For example, Google hires only people from Communications and Commerce and Computer Science (and related). When I'd attended the interview, I went till the last stage and then the doubts they had placed were regarding my career switch (Since I am a Science student, I must be incapable of a different field) and also concerning my motives (Love the job/company or work for good remuneration and perks). So what?? EVERYONE works for money! Unless it's some volunteer thing! Tell me one person who will pour out his heart and soul when he is poor into a full time job that doesn't pay!
I don't need to have a never ending pot of Gold, I'd be happy with just enough to fund my little cravings, such as travel and learning, rather than spending 2000$ on a pair of underwear or other shizzle like that.
I don't know why my Ambitions are so big. Summing them up : Get money, do volunteering and charity, change the society for better, acquisition of knowledge, nature conservation, write my name down in History. On a personal level, own a big estate or two in lovely and scenic areas with decent mansions filled with all things fine. I think it's because of my brain. It's the Brain's fault. I don't know why God gives such an intelligent brain to people who are destined to never get what the envisioned. Such a sadist, really, so we can mourn and be miserable our entire lives with the crushing weight of incompetence and self-loathing. If I just had a stupider brain, I wouldn't even be able to comprehend my current wishes and I'd probably be happy with an ordinary and mundane life. Actually if that's what I was destined to have, it should have sufficed with a spinal cord.
And then I would have been content. But Alas, the wrath of Destiny and Fate, and most importantly, luck; or is it just a combination of Destiny and Fate.
It's so frustrating to dream so big and see them all shatter. No matter how hard you try, life goes as fast as a horse sitting on it's rear. Oh So much friction...I don't have the threshold energy.
The World's policies are screwed. And from an Economic and Population Genetics and also Ecological view, the logarithmic multiplication of the population statistics is one of the root causes. Especially in India. Not helping are all the freaking corrupt policies and prejudiced rules.
I still can't freaking understand, how did our population grow so much?? It's a basic principle of Nature even in modern day Populations. The more the number in the herd, the bigger the fight for resources. If everyone's equally treated, each member gets a fair share, but if there is rampant prejudice and favouritism (environmental conditions), some members of the herd will eventually die. But here, it's much more complicated than just food. Our resources are much less visible : Education, Savings/ Finance, jobs...they're real nonetheless.
As if this wasn't enough for me, here I am, wasting my time, cause I got plenty of it, with my Life snail already drunk now. I hope God wakes me up when it finishes this race.
PS. Self harm is comforting. More on that , later.
PPS. Who do we listen to? The ones who have brought up up and told you what you wanted since you were born? or the Heart who just grew a few years back?
I have a clear idea of what I want now, but it's the starting push that's so difficult. There's just one door that leads to this path I've chosen, and I haven't made a key. I've done my Bachelors in Genetics, Microbiology and Chemistry. They're interesting paths, definitely something I'd like to work in, in the future. Most of the jobs in these fields are in research. Not my work preference. I can't o long tedious experiments that take years and years of hard work to bear fruit. Also if you're expecting something as rich as a mango, don't be fooled, only the destined ones get them, the rest have to do with peanuts. There isn't really much growth potential unless you're looking at academic/scientific gains here.
But heck, I'm not like that. I can't live an ordinary life. My dreams have grown way beyond me. I am never content, I never was, nor am, and never will be. I have to admit, I'm very materialistic. Well, why not? It's these very materialistic things we can touch, and that makes it real. Everything else is just a lie. If Nature or God wasn't materialistic, we'd just be a bunch of thoughts running around, without form or shape, we wouldn't need this physical manifestation that makes us tangible. If we just had to live as souls, couldn't we just do that?? Why come here?? Like this?? For who? Or what?!
So I am utterly convinced that Money DEFINITELY CAN buy a lot of happiness. It makes you feel safe, especially for people like me who have no one's affections to bank on. And even if I do, my honour and dignity won't allow it. It's pathetic to take help. It means you aren't capable of doing it. And if you can't, you sure as hell can't survive the rat race. Maybe you should be trodden, but humanists are keeping you alive as they've made it illegal to die. Since when was my life in other people's hands? They won't allow you to die, because they'll give you a worse than death life here, so that you can become a statistic.
Money is security. Money never leaves you if you care for it enough, unlike most other 'posessions' I know.
So I want to make a switch to the Finance sector jobs, but thanks to this freaking rigid Indian education and employment system, I can't make a career switch so different. Switching jobs is so hard here, because I've seen first hand what kind of duds they think you are if you try to do another job than what you studied in. For example, Google hires only people from Communications and Commerce and Computer Science (and related). When I'd attended the interview, I went till the last stage and then the doubts they had placed were regarding my career switch (Since I am a Science student, I must be incapable of a different field) and also concerning my motives (Love the job/company or work for good remuneration and perks). So what?? EVERYONE works for money! Unless it's some volunteer thing! Tell me one person who will pour out his heart and soul when he is poor into a full time job that doesn't pay!
I don't need to have a never ending pot of Gold, I'd be happy with just enough to fund my little cravings, such as travel and learning, rather than spending 2000$ on a pair of underwear or other shizzle like that.
I don't know why my Ambitions are so big. Summing them up : Get money, do volunteering and charity, change the society for better, acquisition of knowledge, nature conservation, write my name down in History. On a personal level, own a big estate or two in lovely and scenic areas with decent mansions filled with all things fine. I think it's because of my brain. It's the Brain's fault. I don't know why God gives such an intelligent brain to people who are destined to never get what the envisioned. Such a sadist, really, so we can mourn and be miserable our entire lives with the crushing weight of incompetence and self-loathing. If I just had a stupider brain, I wouldn't even be able to comprehend my current wishes and I'd probably be happy with an ordinary and mundane life. Actually if that's what I was destined to have, it should have sufficed with a spinal cord.
And then I would have been content. But Alas, the wrath of Destiny and Fate, and most importantly, luck; or is it just a combination of Destiny and Fate.
It's so frustrating to dream so big and see them all shatter. No matter how hard you try, life goes as fast as a horse sitting on it's rear. Oh So much friction...I don't have the threshold energy.
The World's policies are screwed. And from an Economic and Population Genetics and also Ecological view, the logarithmic multiplication of the population statistics is one of the root causes. Especially in India. Not helping are all the freaking corrupt policies and prejudiced rules.
I still can't freaking understand, how did our population grow so much?? It's a basic principle of Nature even in modern day Populations. The more the number in the herd, the bigger the fight for resources. If everyone's equally treated, each member gets a fair share, but if there is rampant prejudice and favouritism (environmental conditions), some members of the herd will eventually die. But here, it's much more complicated than just food. Our resources are much less visible : Education, Savings/ Finance, jobs...they're real nonetheless.
As if this wasn't enough for me, here I am, wasting my time, cause I got plenty of it, with my Life snail already drunk now. I hope God wakes me up when it finishes this race.
PS. Self harm is comforting. More on that , later.
PPS. Who do we listen to? The ones who have brought up up and told you what you wanted since you were born? or the Heart who just grew a few years back?
I wonder if this could help, but I'm an Aerospace Engineering student who's totally out of the subject and fancies things like writing and film-criticism and literary criticism more than anything else. I've been at crossroads as far as avenues are concerned, and I still have a semester to decide. But I think I'm going to go for placements, try finance jobs (trying for a financial internship as of now) or else write CAT and stuff. But am I interested to do that? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteBut I can see no way of making money but that. So I guess I ought to do it, at least for a while until something else can pop up and I can like doing that better. In that aspect, I totally relate to that post, and it's sad to see no comments on it.
Truth be told, nearly every one of us goes through this. In layman's terms, it can be referred to as a quarter life crisis. Its doubt, its all about doubt. Case in point, I'm a mechanical engineer bordering on the creative. I can sing, write songs and articles, and work really well with people. I'm stuck in a deprecating stasis of existence working for a company to whom I have whored my soul for a contractual period of 2 years (1 year more) and I'm only in it now for the financial gratification I would receive in another company in the same sector.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is this, its all about the money. Being materialistic is human nature. Every one of us believes we were destined for bigger and better things. But why do we care? At the end of the day, whether we're in a history text book or not, when we die, we are but ashes scattered across the sea.
PS. Lovely blog post, a couple of grammatical errors here and there but riveting read.
PPS. Saw it on interpals. Would have commented there but for the fact that you've blocked Indians. :-)
Interesting post. Being dissatisfied can be a good thing. I'd advise not to be too interested in money though. It is a useful tool, but not a healthy objective. Being happy is the most important thing. You can actually live a really good and comfortable life on surprisingly little money. I live below the poverty line (in Australia) and I'm probably the happiest person I know. Of course I'm not always happy, but I mostly am.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few useful tricks to being happy.
- The first and most important is oddly, don't seek happiness. If you search for it it won't come, which sounds silly, but is true.
- Another useful way to become happy is to use our built-in happiness generator: we are instinctively social creatures so helping another person usually generates large amounts of happiness.
- Another thing I use is learning. I get great pleasure from learning, which makes me very lucky because I can never run out of things to learn.
I write stories and computer programs and draw pictures. One of those pictures is the "Alone" picture on your blog. Thank you for linking the picture back to my site. I appreciate it.
My stories (you are welcome to download them for free) are on my site too. The picture already links back, but here's the website address to make it easier if you wish to visit: http://miriam-english.org
I wish you all the best in your future. I hope you accomplish much of what you want to achieve. Keep dreaming, but don't let it steal happiness away from you. You can have both.
I should have remembered to add another couple of useful tips to avoid depression and let happiness find you.
ReplyDelete- Firstly (and this is admittedly difficult at first) avoid thinking about being depressed. If you fill up your view with unhappiness then it becomes even larger and crowds out happiness.
- A very useful technique related to the previous point is to keep a happiness diary. Don't write down the times you've been unhappy, only the times you've been happy.
- A surprisingly simple and effective trick is to think of 5 (or more) things you can be grateful for. Some examples are, you are pretty, you have your health, can see the world, can hear, can use both your arms, can use your legs, can speak more than one language, you're in contact with people all over the world through the net, you live at the most interesting time in history, unlike 16 million people every year you are not starving to death... and so on.
- Avoid most drugs. They can appear to make you happy, but always have a rebound effect, especially the speed drugs, which have been linked to depression. Alcohol really wrecks your mind's ability to generate happiness too.
There are lots of other useful tricks, but those are probably the most important ones. I'd also recommend videos by Dan Gilbert He is a professor of psychology at Harvard in USA and specialises in happiness. You can find his talks on YouTube. I'd also recommend his wonderful book "Stumbling On Happiness". If you can't find it I'll send you a copy, free.
Best wishes,
Miriam
The thinking of 5 things to be grateful for is supposed to be done every night before going to bed.
ReplyDeleteOops... I should have given you my email address if you want to contact me for more info or if you can't find the book... whatever...
me at miriam-english dot org
(Replace the "at" and "dot" with the appropriate symbols. Writing it this way here hopefully avoids spammers.)