Well, I've been depressed for quite a while. A long while, I should say.
My childhood has always been turbulent. I was a popular kid once, but still had a lot of hate because I was bold, successful and full of character all the way. I had no fear at all. Ever.
Now, at 22, I am still the same, except for the 'no fear at all' part. I would love to believe it, but Alas, it is not so. I fear. I fear a great deal two things. Two fears that will probably haunt me all life long. What are they? Well, they are pretty commonplace I suppose, but I have basis for these fears and they are - being all alone my entire life and beyond and two, not being able to make my place in this World and die unremembered.
It's December 1, 2010. I'm at home, writing my first blog, mainly for myself, after an hour of tearless crying. It is one of those days that I always seem to have when everything goes wrong and no amount of chocolate would fix unless the chocolate was poisoned.
It's been 5 years since my first attempt, and second, and third. I've been visiting the doctor for 5 years. Taking medication for 5 years. And what's he doing? Giving me freaking medicines that make me social and want to meet people. I tell him to stop it, I have no people to meet and it's killing me!! But no, my parents think it's absolutely necessary that I take this shitty medicine because it helps control the anger.
They don't like me 'yelling' (which is my normal decibel level of voice. I just happen to be 'blessed' with this really sharp and crystal clear voice that seems loud to normal people even if I talk like there's no air in my lungs).
I haven't been going to college for two months on and off that I skipped the medicine. And I went today and what do I get? Overconfident, married, middle-aged women pretending to be teachers yelling at me that they have tons of other work. I'm really mad at a particular teacher now. Her favourite line has to be the sarcastic "What maa? What do you people think? We have no other work, aah? We come to college only to teach you people?"
I mean, what the hell, she's taken up a job as a Goddamn teacher! She's HERE to teach us our subjects! Of course you have no other work!! Taking up two full time jobs is a crime by law!! And if that other job is better than this why are you staying at this place, swallowing a vacancy and gulping our hard-earned money??
The second favourite line of hers : "What maa? You people are so busy that you can't write one simple assignment? What work do you people have? You people are just students, how can you be so busy?" I'm like yeah right, you have all the work in the world, and we are useless bums, born on the planet to listen to your incessant chiding that arises from possibly marital excitement (She's newly married)!! SO let me get this straight....students have no life. Students have no work. Students have nothing else to do than write assignments and study for her 3 tests a week. Students have no family needs. Students don't need to have entertainment (College is from 8 am to 5 pm bloody six days a week).
Prrr, let's leave that.
I just wish she could understand when I tell her I really can't write that much stuff in such short time, my meds give me a lot of tremor....sometimes my hand gets paralyzed if I use it too much in minute movements such as in writing.
As if that wasn't enough, my classmates and even a 'friend' started making fun of my valid reason. They don't know I take meds, so they thought it was a lame excuse - "Even we can say stuff like this Akhila, that I've broken my arm or leg and cannot write the impositions, you're not the only one...!"
Yes, so you've been freaking alone and friendless all your life, no one has ever called you at 12 am on New Years or on your birthday just to wish you, no one has ever given you a surprise party or present, no one has ever said "I love you" to you, and you have been alone all your life, misunderstood, hated for being so strong and ignored for all eternity because you just don't 'fit in'.
I have never had any of that. I miss so many great friendships in my life, my only solace being the penpals I write to who are more sincere than people around me. I feel like I don't exist here. No one wants to make friends with me, no one wants to hang out with me just because I'm different than they are.
That's another thing I don't know. Why don't I get along with people like a house on fire? I'm pretty friendly, I'm polite, I try to be kind, I give so many people a dozen second chances even after they let me down or betray me time and again. Everyone except me seems to be making best friends and finding true loves.
Patience and forgiveness is breaking my heart a million times over. Even an animal should know not to poke its nose into a place where it hurts. Maybe I shouldn't forgive and hold all the grudges and be cautious of all people so I never fall again.
And yet I hope, I hope that I may someday find a true best friend who is willing to give their life for me!
Until then my heart will cry, tearless and unseen for times that I will never want after my passing. To leave this world seems so enticing, but that's another story.
Maybe its some bad karma I accumulated in my past life...being alone is the worst feeling in the world. The worst fear, and certainly the worst kind of motivation.
